A collapse into surrender.
Man I feel like I’ve gone through every emotion and thought spiral you can think of and it’s not even noon. Today I had a deep, heavy cry. It was weighted; so full of pain and grief. Every day I feel that despair, that confusion lurking, and I try to fight it off. Some days I’m successful, some days I’m not. But mostly I wish I didn’t have to fight at all.
Most days I wish I could just be with myself, even if that meant wallowing in the darkness and despair for a while. But it seems like every time, I’m pulled back into urgency, to problem solving, to striving, fighting, persevering. An eviction notice here, codependent relationship there, debt collector here, etc. I’m just so exhausted of feeling confused and having to figure things out. Lately it seems like I’m not very good at either.
This morning, my thoughts became borderline suicidal. I’ve grown so weary of existing. Not ever really being able to enjoy a thing or be present because of how ominous the future looms. Even my gratitude practice has become cloaked in shadow. For every gratitude list, there exists just as many observations of pain and suffering in the micro and macro. It’s made gratitude feel like a risk. But I keep taking it.
I try to sit with all the heaviness and be in my body, but my mind looms large. Unrelenting, she goes a mile a minute. Even with movement (think: a walk or exercise), she won’t rest unless I fill her with something else. And this is why attention, focus, energy are so important, and why it’s beneficial to be prudent about their expenditure.
The only other salve is to express. Instead of fighting or redirecting it, channeling it outward. Journaling provides this escape. (Surprisingly, social media has too. You know this if you’ve caught one of my Twitter threads or TikTok takes.) I feel relief as I write. But my hand cannot keep up with my mind and usually goes to great pains in an attempt to do so. Like right now. And so now journaling has occasionally become daunting too.
It’s like my tools, my once saving grace, have become bastardized. And I’m left feeling helpless and alone. How does one talk about this? How does one share that they’re on the brink of collapse? That the ropes they’ve clung to for dear life have wrapped themselves around my wrists and refused to let go? Leaving me prisoner to a labyrinth I can’t seem to think my way out of?
When the mind is incoherent and the body is in hyperarousal, where does that leave you? What can you do but surrender to the current and pray it either spits you out in paradise or swallows you hole? I’m tired of fighting. I’m ready to let life have its way with me. I’ve done all that I can.
Maybe, just maybe, but to be honest hopefully, it’s just the birth of something new…